ASK NANA

Dear Nana,

Our 20 month old grandson hits us. He hits him mom and dad, too. What is the best strategy to stop him! He goes to half day preschool 2 days a week and he doesn't hit friends or teachers. Mostly Mama and Nana. HELP!

– Another Nana!

Dear Fellow Nana!

Toddlers often go through a phase of hitting as a way of expressing themselves, usually protesting something they dislike. While it is understandable, given their limited language ability, this is not acceptable behavior. There are several interventions that I would recommend. First –tell him in very simple terms, “No hitting!” I always add, “use your words. It is OK to be mad but it is not OK to hit.” This reminds him that he has words that will convey how he is feeling and eventually he will learn to use them. It is important to try to understand what he is trying to tell you-- though most times it is obvious – and try to redirect him gently but firmly. You may need to state what he is feeling, “I know you don’t really want to take a nap but I can tell you are tired.” Never hit him back – that just teaches a child that hitting is acceptable. If he continues to try to hit you, remove yourself from his reach – put him in a safe place – such as his crib – until he stops. 20 months is still a bit young to understand time outs as punishment, so it won’t help to “threaten” a “timeout.” At this age, children really just need our help to control themselves and it is up to us to set and hold limits.

Pay attention to when the hitting happens – is it predictable? – especially when he is hungry, over-tired or over-stimulated? Toddlers still have very limited self-control so if we can intervene and distract before they are set off, we are way ahead of the game. This is likely why he doesn’t hit at school – there are lots of distractions! Be careful about offering bribes/rewards at this age, like candy or cookies. Most hitting comes from a lack of self-control so bribes (or threats) don’t work in the long run. It may help to give your grandson a different way to express himself, especially if his hitting is typically the result of frustration. You can tell him he can stomp his feet, which feels really powerful for a toddler or he can go stand by himself until he is ready to come back and play or eat or whatever.

It is very important to not inadvertently reinforce his hitting by making it part of a game or teasing (sort of like tag) or giving in to what he wants (or doesn’t want) when he hits or tantrums. We don’t want to show him that hitting “works”  - so monitor anything that might model that for him, including TV programs. You’ll also need to try to avoid paying too much attention to the hitting. I know it is a strange thing to say, but negative attention is still attention. Try catching him playing nicely and reinforce any behaviors we want to encourage.  

There is no doubt that this is a really tough phase toddlers go through. Caregivers are likely getting the brunt of it because they are the ones who are spending the most time setting limits or are frequently imposing requests that interrupt play. The very nature of caregiving a toddler means being part of these daily struggles. It’s not easy but doing all the right things now will help your grandson learn other, gentler forms of self-expression.

-Nana

Ask Nana is published with permission. ©2021, M. Rogers, All right reserved

Worried about your child’s development? Visit the CDC’s Learn the Signs, Act Early to learn about important developmental milestones your child should be reaching at their age. You can also download their free Milestone Tracker App, as well as find out how and where to get help if you have any concerns. Remember, you do NOT need a referral from a doctor to receive help!