ASK PAPA

Dear Papa,

My husband seems to only want to play with our kids in physical ways or ways that rile them up. I worry someone could get hurt, and besides, what good could possibly be learned from this kind of play?

- Cautious Caregiver

Dear Cautious Caregiver,

Thank you for this great question, it is on the minds of many partners. Being a dad myself, and now a grandpa, I confess I have often played this way. My wife generally did not. Though our play styles were dramatically different, researchers are finding that there is indeed good that can come from the difference. But before I talk about research, let’s get to your worry that someone could get hurt.

It is so important that we read our kids’ cues and act accordingly. For example, when a child is tossed in the air, is there a look of surprise and anticipation on their face, or abject terror?! After one or two tosses, do they look excited and ready for the next, or are all signs pointing to their need to be held closely and securely? As with tickling (see Ask Nana 2/1/22), the child, not just the adult, should be enjoying it! And, the adult should be making sure their play is safe enough. So, continue to let your husband know that you are worried about the physical play, and ask for his assurance that he is reading the children’s cues and minding that they are safe. Then, unless you have reason to believe otherwise, trust that you have been heard, and that he will do what he says and keep the children safe.

 As for what the research says, studies have found a strong connection between dad play, and kids’ ability to learn to control their feelings. Dad Play often includes RISKY play. The Encyclopedia of Early Childhood Development defines risky play as, “thrilling and exciting forms of physical play that involve uncertainty and a risk of physical injury”.

That pretty much sums up your description of your husband’s play.

When children are climbing all over an adult, riding, wrestling, pulling, and pushing, everyone usually is having a good time. However, when an elbow or foot accidently lands “below the belt”, or there is too strong a grip on the horsey’s (daddy’s) “reins”, making it hard to breathe much less speak, play usually comes to an abrupt stop. This sudden shift in the midst of exciting play, and the feedback that follows, sets a clear boundary. It signals the need to pull back, it’s getting too rough. When play resumes it resets usually to a more moderate pace as children think about other’s reactions to their physical play. It may seem counter intuitive, but physical play with dad or another adult offers kids an opportunity to exert force and experience deep pressure, as well as practice restraint and regulate their actions and emotions. This growing ability to self-regulate, pays dividends in many ways, especially in relationships.

As for riling the children up, this of course is something that partners must talk to each other about. For example, wrestling before bedtime will make it hard for children to settle in and is hard on the parent who is doing the settling, so it makes sense to plan for quiet activities at these times. One last thought, though your husband seems to always play a certain way, it is not beyond his capabilities to play differently at times. Perhaps you and your husband could learn from each other and consider stretching your comfort zones to capitalize even more on the benefits that a variety of play styles can offer.

-Papa

Ask Nana is published with permission. ©2021, M. Rogers, All right reserved

Worried about your child’s development? Visit the CDC’s Learn the Signs, Act Early to learn about important developmental milestones your child should be reaching at their age. You can also download their free Milestone Tracker App, as well as find out how and where to get help if you have any concerns. Remember, you do NOT need a referral from a doctor to receive help!