ASK NANA

Dear Nana,

My child who is a five-year-old boy started kindergarten. He was previously in a play-based learning environment and now is in this enclosed academic environment. The teacher told me in the second week of kinder that my son needed to keep his hands to himself. I spoke with my son and tried to reinforce several techniques. The next day she said my son elbowed another child in the stomach and put another one in the ground. I felt like she was talking about another child and not my own. I felt so embarrassed and she said maybe to try a behavioral specialist. I have been explaining to my child that we need to keep our hands to ourselves, offering rewards if he is good, explaining it is ok to be mad but not react like that, and to use some self-calming techniques. During the summer I enrolled my son in karate classes but now I think this was a mistake. I'm unsure if this school is right for my child and me. I noticed that my son is so thirsty when I pick him up, like he doesn't even get to drink water during his time there. I also felt sad when the teacher as a joke shared in an email to all parents that some children showed their true colors this week. I would like some advice Nana. I appreciate your time and your valuable advice.

- A New Kindergarten Mom

Dear New Kindergarten Mom,

The transition to Kindergarten is often bumpy for both kids and their families. Even children who have had very positive preschool experiences can struggle a bit with larger class sizes, more restrictions, and higher expectations. I think you are on the right track - talking with your son, hearing from him what caused him to use his hands, and developing strategies that he can use to manage his body – and his feelings. At 5, many children can tell you all of the classroom rules, but having the capacity to follow those rules, especially when he is upset, angry or frightened is a whole different thing. You can help your child “practice” recognizing and managing his feelings by reading books, writing stories, and drawing pictures about BIG feelings. Try to point out and label feelings when you and your child are together. Have your son suggest ways he can help himself and practice with him. I really like “pockets are for hands” -- putting your hands in your pockets instead of on your friends. And of course, “use your words” is something we say over and over and over again to children this age.

It might help to give him the right words to say and practice saying them, “I don’t like that!” Or, “I feel mad!” It is important for you to keep saying, like you have been, that big feelings are fine, hitting (or pushing or grabbing toys) is not. It takes time and patience. As far as Karate goes, most of the classes I’m familiar with are all about self-discipline, not hostility. So if your son was learning to do what was requested of him, and to respect his teacher, I doubt very much this has contributed to his current apparent aggressiveness. Honestly, the vast majority of 5-year-olds who act out like this do it when they are upset or scared and they lose control.

“It might help to give him the right words to say and practice saying them, “I don’t like that!” Or, “I feel mad!”

Based on your description, I also think it is critical that you and the teacher have a meeting very soon and develop a plan to work together to help your son manage his feelings and behaviors. I encourage you to be as honest as you can be about how you are feeling, including how the Teacher’s joke landed for you. And discuss your other concerns, such as your worry that your child is thirsty and not able to get a drink. Your son needs to know that you and his teacher have the same expectations for him and that you are both there to help him grow and learn. Unless your child had all of the same concerns in his former school, I think calling in a Behavioral Specialist might be a bit premature. But that said, if the school has one on site, this Specialist can work with you, your child and his teacher to establish a behavioral plan. Typically the plan outlines specific ways the student will act in class and the consequences of breaking the rules. It also may list possible rewards for meeting behavioral goals. Everyone gets together and signs the plan - student, parents and teacher -- as a way to demonstrate that this plan is a team effort.

The school year is still very new so I would encourage you to give it a chance. With a little patience and a lot of support, your child will likely adjust to his new environment in a few weeks

— Nana

Ask Nana is published with permission. ©2022, M. Rogers, All right reserved

Worried about your child’s development? Visit the CDC’s Learn the Signs, Act Early to learn about important developmental milestones your child should be reaching at their age. You can also download their free Milestone Tracker App, as well as find out how and where to get help if you have any concerns. Remember, you do NOT need a referral from a doctor to receive help!